My baby is 12 weeks old. She is old enough for me to begin to think I know what I'm doing as a mum. And young enough for the thin veneer of maternal confidence to fall apart in the face of her first illness. Astrid has had a bad case of cradle cap for the past few weeks. Nothing I was doing shifted the gunk on her head. Until I used a shampoo given to me by a friend, and then all hell broke loose. She had a painful allergic reaction that led to sleepless nights, high pitched angry screaming, a trip to the doctor, and much misery for all. She is still out of sorts five days later. As Murphy's Law would have it, my partner went away overseas to a wedding during this time. To make it worse he forgot his mobile phone.
The worst thing about her illness, is that I once again feel incompetent as a mother. A) I didn't notice that her head had gone bright read and sore under her hair for a few days, b) I didn't realise that her fussing wasn't just sleep-refusal, and c) I needed help from my mother to get through it. As a woman who, until my baby was born three months ago, was self-sufficient and self-reliant, (hell pretty tough and capable actually), not coping on my own has come as a nasty shock. As has the realisation that my hard won confidence in looking after Astrid, built during the first 12 weeks of her life, is very fragile.
